Do you ever feel alone? Even when your surrounded? Having one of those kinds of days...or weeks...well OK for about a month now. YIKES! Dont really know what to do about it. I think I am just having a hard time adjusting to the sudden (and amazing!)growth of our Church and the way relationships change so much when you are "the Pastor's Wife" People don't realize what all it entails or the burdens that come with it. I think the majority just thinks that it is an easy job and there really is nothing to it. I beg to differ. Is it OK to be transparent here??
I have rearranged my life for this Calling...don't get me wrong...I LOVE it and wouldn't want to do anything else, but sometimes (like right now) I remember how Human I am, I am far from perfect.
I would be lying if I said it doesnt hurt just a little that I haven't visited Family in ID in almost 5 years.
Or, that We haven't gone out of town even once for more than 3 days since we started our Church in January 2008.
If I said that it isn't hard to feel like you live in a glass house, and everyone is watching everything you do and say...and same for our kids.
If I said that sometimes I give and do and be even when I just don't even feel like I can...I have 4 children at home and all of my normal responsibilities. I can't meet everyone expectations...I can't do everything that needs done...I can't tie up ALL of the loose ends. Sometimes I just run out of "me."
The hardest part though is the feeling of loneliness... Every friendship I have has been altered in some way...I am no longer just Tiffany...I strive to be, but I am not. Atleast not to some. I am now the "Pastors wife" Who wants to pal around with her? So you see, I am surrounded by all these precious people in my Life, but I feel like I am held at arm's length.
I know the Lord hears my prayers though and I am trusting that He has something in His plan for me to fill this void, this sudden feeling of loneliness. Until then I will continue to lean on Him...He is, afterall, the Friend that sticketh closer than a Brother. He never leaves us or forsakes us. He Knows my Name. He calls me Friend.
Random Moments and thoughts from my spot in Life...(when I have stolen a moment away to actually record them.) My moments as a Pastor's Wife, Mama to three girls, two boys, and just being me.
5 comments:
Definitely not too transparent. I feel the same way. It's tough. It's lonely. It's frustrating...but for some reason God thought we were good enough to handle all that. And He's right. We are. We can. And We will.
Hang in there my friend. You are not alone. :)
Thanks Stella...Your right. We WILL handle it with our head up...happy that he has that confidence in us.
Do I know you?
Yes, this is Amber Gilliam....
Stella was a nickname I used when I was eons younger. LOL! :)
Amber! You lurker!
Love you Girl, we are in this together!
I've never been a pastor's wife such as your self Tiffany, but I've felt that cold hand of loneliness grasp my mind....In a life so full of people- family - friends-children...The list goes on...I truly believe it's a call to my soul...To reach out to God...And it's a void only he can fill...It's a time of leveling up..In the kingdom , of becoming his perpous...Deeper waters.. I so love you.. I'm afraid to anoy you or being a drain on you, with all I know I can be..However you are a very strong woman!, I've watch you in your beautiful glass house. Here to chase the lonelyness away with you..Just say the word��!������������������
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